I don’t really have an idea how this post is gonna go. With no plan I’m gonna let it write itself. I’m just going to start off by saying I hate today. For those who are new readers, December 9, 2011 is the day that Timile passed away succumbing from her eight month fight with esophageal cancer. I have no idea how she died. I’m assuming it was peacefully in her sleep. Her parents were there with her when she exhaled that last breath and her spirit went back home. That’s all I know.
I hate death anniversaries. However, I am starting to understand why the days people died stick with us more than the days our lost loved ones’ birthdays are. Birthdays are a celebration of life. We like to celebrate life and beginning a new year on the days that people are born. Not to mention, most of us are not around when they are born but we are there when they die. We remember where we were when we get the phone call, what we thought, how we felt; how we reacted whether it was in shock, tears, relief, and/or who we called after. I remember all of that more vividly than Timile’s actual death.
I hate how I found out that Timile died. I found out via twitter with people asking me what was going on. I was in a DMV waiting to change my Georgia ID to a New York one. I hate that Timile’s parents didn’t have the decency or respect to call me and tell me when she passed away that morning and I found out around 2:30 in the afternoon. I hate that they called and told family that they weren’t invited to the funeral and a day of sadness became worse by being told such news when everyone was mourning. I hate that as opposed to finding out Timile died and that I couldn’t hold my daughter in my arms that I found comfort in knowing that I could proceed in a custody battle for Cydney against her grandparents with as much ugliness as needed knowing that I didn’t have to hurt her feelings or make her feel torn between myself and her parents. I have forgiven them and I have peace.
I’m thinking about how I spent last December 9th in DC being distracted, hanging out with friends, and thinking about something else that was a little more representative of me really beginning to move one. I have no idea how or what today will be like. I plan on keeping busy with Cydney a little bit. I have some other things on my mind that are unanswered questions that I’d like solved so that I can get on with my day/week/month/life. I’d like to either let some other things live and die in my life as well. Honestly, that’s what is on my mind this morning than Timile’s passing away.
There are no tears today. There are not many sad feelings… I got those out last night (not the tears). Almost on par if not more, December ninth is a day that feels like the beginning of a new year to me. While November 22nd feels like the beginning of a new year, today feels like the day that life changed and I was reborn. I decided to in some ways and was forced to change and become someone different than I was in 2011. I cut my hair. I lost about sixty-five pounds. I have become more cynical and while I hope for the best always think and expect either nothing or the worst from everyone. I wasn’t a trusting person beforehand but I trust even less now. However, I have become more giving. I have cared less and less about myself and even when I think that people are being selfish and more than likely not reciprocating what I put out, I do so anyways almost as blindly as my daughter does with just as little filter or regards to my feelings. I put such an emphasis on time because I have experienced something that has made me value how precious mine and theirs is. It’s an undervalued lesson that most people to realize until they are much older and begin to have regrets. I have nothing to regret, but the lesson was learned to love and treat others how I would like to be treated. I’m as honest with people as I would like for people to be with me. If I am not being right or someone thinks I am a jerk, check me and let me know. My feelings won’t be hurt and I will appreciate them even more for doing so.
I give to people in a way that I wish would be done to me: unconditionally. That was the most important lesson I have learned in the last seven years.
I don’t think this post turned out too bad actually. I wrote it in ten minutes.