To have and to hold, for better or for worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, ‘til death do us part…
Not even three weeks into being twenty-six years old I’d lived all parts of these vows that many of my peers are saying for the first time as many of them are beginning their lives with their life partners. While I may still be here I guess I can say someone has spent their life with me. While I have taken many steps in moving forward in no way, shape, or form has it been easy. This and she has been on my mind a lot recently, or should I say a lot more than normal.
A few nights ago I had another dream about my fiancé. Actually, this happens pretty often. In my dreams we talk a lot about and are hands down some of the most vivid dreams I’ve had have been about her. I’ve had dreams about me being diagnosed with cancer and her telling me one of us gotta make it for Cydney, having dinner and being afraid of her dying, to just kicking it and watching movies. Normally in my dreams she’s perfectly healthy, has a full head or hair and is usually in an outfit that I actually remember her wearing. The other night she had short hair. It was around the about as long as it was last fall around this time of year when her hair had started growing back from chemo. Of course as I’m writing this I can’t remember what we were talking about. Maybe at this moment that’s not what is important as much as it is that we talked about was a conversation and it was one of those that we were having around this time of year last year in making plans for what we were going to do next as a family.
When I wake up from these dreams I tend to have a heavy heart. The feeling isn’t in a weighed down way but more like as if she was laying on my chest as she would many sleepless nights I would have. I don’t sleep on my back and would only lay that way on stressful nights and her laying there would I guess be her way of bringing comfort and ease to whatever is on my mind.
The thought that has been on my mind recently is that I’m going to get older and she won’t. Before I know it I’ll be middle aged and be looking at the twenty five year old that I had a young love with that we both thought we’d grow old together with. She’s always going to cross my mind and when she does whether I’m twenty-seven or seventy-two at the oldest she’s going to be a twenty-something old to me.
I’m mentioning this as a part of the Adventures of a Single Dad because we have a little girl. Cydney’s getting older and has quite a personality. I’d like to take credit for her good looks and I guess technically I can take 50% of the credit but she’s a spitting image of her mother and her smile is just like hers. Being that I have this little girl with all of her likeness I just keep it moving. I look at the little things she does that look and remind me of her mother and smile which is not something I’m accustomed to doing (I had to hear about that a lot).
I’m asked a lot how do I just keep it moving with all of this on me. The answer is simple: I have to…