It’s been quite a week. As I am writing this, Cydney is asleep on one of my closest friend’s couch, my luggage is in New York, and we aren’t. Due to Hurricane Sandy, I have made the decision to extend our little vacation. We are currently in DC which is right back where I started last year this time on the same couch.
It is very reminiscent of my fiance and my trip to Virginia when she was pregnant two years ago. We went down for her best friend’s wedding for four days and due to bad weather we stayed for ten days. It was some time to just be out and away. And honestly it feels great to not be home.
What I have learned this week is that while children require constant supervision and the first child is the experiment that you don’t know what you are doing, I kinda have the taking care of Cydney thing locked down. The taking care of myself not so much. It’s one of the reasons these last few posts have been more me related because I have been trying to work on that.
The last two years and five months have been dedicated to taking care of everyone else: my fiance during pregnancy and cancer, Cydney as her father and getting her back, helping out while my mother was going through her own cancer process, and being there for my nephew. I don’t mean to neglect myself but I guess its just what you do as a man: hold it down. My fiance understood that it was a lot and tried the best she could but what she needed superseded her trying to look out for me.
I was told a lot this week that I look tired and my eyes are bright red. I am tired. I don’t sleep much and I’m used to doing it. I stated before my fiance asked for me to fall asleep after she did, I did all of the being up with Cydney during the up all night phase, and then got restless as life got crazy. I’m not complaining at all, just making an observation. As I was able to hang out a little this week while I slept my normal amount I felt more energetic because I wasn’t neglecting my own needs for a change. I don’t necessarily need to party all the time or anything like that. Sometimes I just need a moment to take a deep breath and assess some things.
I’ve done lots of changing in the last year. For the most part its been because of doing and force. Not because of analysis and making gradual steps. There just hasn’t been the time. I’ve found some and have seen what I can possibly work on and that is a good beginning.
At the end of the day I can only do so much for Cydney being the best father and example I can be if I’m not taking care of me. I can’t show her, well I could tell her but she won’t listen to me if I’m not doing so as well. There may be things I could fix but don’t know it because I don’t take the time to just… Be