April 2011

At this time, Timile was settled into Buffalo. I was adjusting, but I wasn’t there just yet. I was making trips to New York every other week to go back and get more of our things. I didn’t know anyone in Buffalo and I would look forward to that drive through the mountains headed downstate.

By this time, Timile had started an aggressive chemotherapy. She would do chemo at Roswell Park and would take one home with her for five days every three weeks. With that first round, Timile’s best friends came up from Virginia to visit. They got a chance to see Timile and Cydney when things were still fairly normal.

Timile was still up and about. She wasn’t super active with Cydney but she would do what she could. Cydney was still in the up all night phase and I was the one up with her. When the morning came around, I would be the one getting up with her and doing the taking care of Cydney. My days were 21 hours long and 12 of them were with Cydney with my two hours off being during her afternoon nap. I’d drive around Buffalo trying to learn my way around. I would drive along Lake Erie, park, and just look out at the frozen lake trying not to think about everything that’s going on. Around that time of day someone would always call me and I’d just vent and talk about some of everything that would be a welcomed distraction.

Timile’s grandmother wanted Timile and Cydney to herself so she would fight me on taking care of my family. She’s quite a worrier and freaked out over little things. Timile wanted me around for comfort at appointments and she knew how her grandmother was and the last thing she needed was someone being internationally emotional around her.

After one one way fight, I just let Timile’s grandmother take her to her first checkup with the oncologist. I got a phone call that she was being admitted for observation. When I gor up there that evening, the oncologist pulled me aside and we talked. He told me that Timile’s grandmother told him how she was responding to chemo and that she was laying around and wasn’t responding well to it. He then said that he would put Timile on hospice care and make her comfortable. I interrupted him before he could say comfortable and told him whatever he was told was false. Timile’s grandmother had no idea what was going on because she was avoiding me. Timile was in fact up and about, would stand holding Cydney, and entertained company a few days prior to that. He said “Oh, that paints a different picture.” Needless to say, Timile’s grandmother v was not allowed to take Timile to any more appointments. That almost got really bad.

The next day or so I went back to New York to get more of our things and try to complete this album I was getting paid to produce. I was there for four days and that Friday night, Timile called me in tears. I asked what was wrong. She was silent and sobbing. I just waited on the other side for her to get her thoughts together. “My hair is falling out.” Man. That did something to me on the inside. I knew it was going to happen and do did she. But when it happened it made tge cancer thing even more real. I don’t know if I have the words to describe how my heart sunk and the feeling of sadness that came over me. That was the last time I went to New York. Whatever I had to do in New York was not important. Being there was no matter what it did to me mentally and emotionally.

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