Regrets

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“This is the number one rule for your set: In order to survive, gotta learn to live with regrets”

When I was twenty-one, Timile and I were having a conversation about our pasts. It was the beginning of our relationship and I found myself saying “I have no regrets about my life. Everything happens for a reason.”  She responded to me saying “That’s not true. You have regrets.”  From that moment on, I looked at my life differently.  Whenever I looked back at my life, I did see things that I regretted.  Its normal to look back justifying our mistakes in 20/20 hindsight saying that those lessons got us to where we are now: older, wiser, and smarter.  A few months later, when Pimp C of UGK passed away from an overdose all that played in my mind about him was an article where he said “I don’t regret a muthaf*ckin’ thing.”  All I could think is that if he could look back he would regret that night before since it cost him his life and seeing his children grow up in an earthly realm.

Jay-Z’s “Regrets” is my favorite song by him.  It was someone at the end of their album coming to grips with and making peace with his past.  I’ve found myself doing that a lot recently.  I look back at how a lot of things have played out in my adult life and wish things had played out differently.  As entertaining as the stories may be, I do regret many of the fights that Timile and I had wishing that those times we were enjoying each other more knowing how things would turn out.  After all of this time I have accepted her passing away, but constantly having something else to deal with I may have dealt with the five stages of grief out of order.  I regret not looking at Timile having digestive issues right before and during her pregnancy and us just chalking it up to things like lactose intolerance and pregnancy.  Maybe those things could have cost her life.  Maybe not.  I don’t let those thoughts consume me and think had that happened Cydney wouldn’t be here and we may have just toyed with fate.  God knew when He made Timile when he was going to take her.  There’s obviously a bigger picture that is unknown that I keep my eyes on.

I think sometimes that maybe Timile’s parents regret how they handled trying to gain custody of Cydney.  It cost them a relationship with her.  Well, not all the way in a sense that I am blatantly trying to keep Cydney away from them; but I don’t trust them and it would take time before we could coexist.  Had things not played out the way that they did, I would have had no problem visiting them regularly.  So much damage was done that we couldn’t be a family grieving through a loss together.

I’m sure as Cydney gets older, there will be things that I regret in how I raise her.  I know my parents do, so its part of the cycle and once again all about finding peace in these things.  

Life is too short to dwell on these things. I’ve lost friends, my partner, and family over decisions that they and I have made.  It’s part of a plan.  In order to move forward, I have to. We all do.  Losing others can be protection of us all getting to where we have to go next in order to help others. Or: through our travels we get separated. Never forget in order to survive, gotta learn to live with regrets.

“Time waits for no man. Can’t turn back the hands once it’s too late.”

 

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