After a day of virtually being lost in my own personal thoughts, Timile came to me in another dream Friday morning. As I have said before, many people have told me that when they dream of loved ones that they normally don’t say anything to them. Timile and I always talk in my dreams.
When I wake up from dreams where Timile was there, I usually have a bad taste in my mouth. They’re usually emotional dreams (Which I don’t have often) in which some kind of heavy conversation we’ve had takes a toll on my in my dreams and I wake up with that feeling as well. This dream was no different. I was on the stoop at my Grandmother’s house. It was a cool fall day, and my phone rang. I looked to see who was calling and I saw a 757 phone number and the photo ID said “Timile” with the picture I’d kept from when she’d always call. She called me to say “Hey, we need to talk.” I asked her what about. She went on to tell me that all of this time she was not only cancer-free, but she never died. She was in Virginia the whole time, and she wanted to talk about us being together again. I didn’t know how to feel at first, but needless to say eventually I was very angry. I didn’t raise my voice, but I did tell her how I felt about her being so selfish by disappearing and leaving Cydney thinking she was motherless. She told me how she was really sorry and felt bad for it. In spite of that she still loved both of us and wanted to try to make things right.
In the dream I felt conflicted. I’d been living my life like Timile had been gone. This means raising Cydney my way, living a certain kind of lifestyle, and dating. What was I supposed to do? Go back to the life that I had? Stop seeing the people that I had been seeing regularly and may have been building something with? I wasn’t the same person I was when I was with Timile and I’ve grown up a lot since then and to give up this life I’ve been living just might mean moving backwards.
When I woke up, I really wondered how I felt if I found out this really happened. First of all, I would be beyond pissed off. I would be pissed off because I would be really hurt. While I have yet to shed tears since she passed, there have been many moments of sadness, reflection, and missing my best friend and my partner. What about Cydney for real? As much as I loved Timile would I really be able to forgive her and fall in love all over again? At this point, I don’t know the answer to that last question. I don’t think that the person that I am at almost twenty-eight would not mesh very well as we did at twenty-five when we last saw each other. I’ve grown up and we would have grown apart and coming back would require lots of adjustments and knowing Timile, I’d have to be the flexible one and do most of the behavior modification.
I am nowhere close to being in a serious relationship. But what if I was and she came back out of nowhere? That would be a tough call.
Part of my adventures being a single father is sharing other parts of my personal life and how they affect Cydney and me. With that said, I thought this would be something I should share along the way.