A poem written by Timile Brown:
I hear a calling to daylight my own voice did not send
Reality is bending, twisting and standing on end
And dreams are the windows to purely peaceful nights
Where heartache dares not darken the door of such sights
Oh the wishes once wished
Topped with sweetness, then kissed
The cheek of a starry-eyed delight
What wonderous wonders comfort me this night
And dreams are the hopes of a life never lived, but adored
Such things left behind, a passion of some time before
Memories of dusty days haunt the heart in the most wretched of ways
Forever is the foe to all that is real
And always is the admirer of a love never revealed
Closing my eyes, drifting slowly to sleep
As the clock clicks, tick, tock
And time will not stop,
I see a place in the distance
Where worry, there is not
A place where doubt is made of pebbles
And dreams are solid rock.
Speak of this place, so I shall, all the days of the lot
For the face of such love, and dreams
Timile wrote this poem in 2003. This was the poem she posted in September 2006 after I hounded her for a year and a half to read a poem of hers. When I first read it seven years ago, I thought it was a sweet poem. A poem about longing a love that made time stand still and there were no worries due to the power of the love she possessed with someone. I haven’t read this poem since we broke up in 2009 and I intentionally stopped in Virginia to see her. She was happy to see me, but on the way back we got into it that ended in her telling me that she had a new life with someone else and pretty much to let what we had go. I knew better and read this poem on my flight back to Atlanta for inspiration to keep it moving on the mission I knew I was on. I wasn’t forgetting my dream.
The poem that seventeen year old wound up being prophetic. A lot of things Timile said and did were prophetic. It was as if God communicated with her through her visions and unconsciously she knew that she wasn’t going to live to be old. She’d told me of dreams she had as a child being in her twenties and on her death bead as well as symbolic dreams of her being a baby growing to be large and her mother running from her which came to fruition when she found out that her father wasn’t her birth father. When she told me about dreams she had, I paid attention because they were so vivid and detailed.
I’m not surprised at all how often she shows up in my dreams. I’d say a good once a month she shows up; always healthy; her hair is usually long like it was most of her life, but sometimes it is short like it looked the last couple of months when it grew back after her chemo medication changed.
Last Monday, a friend of Timile’s from high school sent me a message telling me that she Timile came to her in a dream. She was running in Hampton like she always did and she saw Timile sitting on a bench crying. She stopped and asked her is she was okay. She quietly said yes. She asked her what was going on because she’d heard that Timile had passed away. Timile was crying because she was looking for Cydney and I and she couldn’t find us. Her friend told her that we were in New York. She responded “I loved him so much and I miss my baby.” Her friend reassured her that I was doing a good job raising her and that Cydney was a perfect blend of the both of us. Timile continued to cry and said to her friend “Please tell him, please tell him I’m ok. Tell him I love him and keep her safe.” The friend looked down that she would and when she looked up looked up Timile had run away. She tried to catch up with Timile but she was gone. She sent me this message via Facebook saying that usually she doesn’t have dreams this vivid and felt obligated to let me know about her dream.
I asked the friend how did Timile look in the dream. She said that she had long hair and was wearing all white. I thought about that for a moment. In my dreams, Timile is wearing an outfit I recall her actually wearing and how I remember seeing her. To this girl, she looked exactly how she remembered seeing her at one point in life, however donning all white in which I find to be symbolic of her being in heaven. I told the friend that I appreciated her telling me this and that I needed to hear that.
Sometimes I wonder what Timile would think of how I am raising Cydney. I think about what does she think of me moving on in my life in all facets from being the person she knew and was with in our early and first part of our mid-twenties. I think sometimes that she may feel a certain way about me dating again and some of the other people who have been around Cydney; I even dreamed about her getting on me about it once and in essence being upset because she was supposed to be my one and only. I think she would be okay with everything. She would want me to be happy and eventually for Cydney to have another mother who would love her like they belonged to her.
That night, literally right after I wrote last Tuesday’s post which was me confronting some of my own issues that have held me back a friend of mine sent me a message on Facebook. It was incredibly timely because they had just crossed my mind. They said that Timile had popped up on their Facebook page, it made them a little sad, and they just wanted to share that. They then said that I am really lucky to have Cydney and that they think that she is amazing. In an effort to not contradict what I had just written about minutes prior, I opened up. Sensing that they may still be a little sad about it, I said in a jokingly manner that Timile had been popping up some of everywhere in the last 24 hours. They apologized if this was bringing up any sad feelings on my and that they just felt the need to share. I told them not at all and reassured them that conversations about Timile do not bother me at all. I told them about the dream I was told about and that Cydney was alright. Laying next to me with Blue Bear. This is the friend that gave Cydney Blue Bear. I could tell that made her feel good. I let them know the real reason Cydney loved Blue Bear: it’s because of how she feels about my friend. In this opening up moment I told them that Cydney told me this herself. They’re her favorite person who isn’t family.
I did this because Timile’s friend had just shared with me how it was confirmed to them that I was loved. I felt the urge to pay that forward and let my friend know that as well. I have no idea what my friend was thinking or going through at the moment when I shared, but I do know that when you share such information it is always right on time whether one knows the context or not. Timile’s friend had done just that for me. They have no idea what kind of week I wound up having being that some circumstances with Timile still need to be rectified. I appreciate that and that dream shant be forgot.