Needing to Vent

I planned on writing twins This Saturday night. I’m feeling like myself again so I guess now is a decent place to just air out a frustration or two. A brother gets tired every once in a while and sometimes you need a moment to compose yourself before the anger gets misplaced.

As I’d written about Tuesday and Wednesday last week, I went to court and finalized my visitation agreement with Cydney’s grandparents. While it was a sigh of relief, it took a lot out of me. I really think my body went into shock. I’d have a stiff neck, chills, a headache liked when you have the flu. I didn’t feel sick like when you have the flu. In fact I know it’s wasn’t the that otherwise Cydney would’ve had it by now. During the days I’d be fine, and by the evening I would be feeling beyond terrible. That didn’t matter to Cydney. Her program was toe continue as scheduled. Can’t of nothing but go with it. I needed her to keep it lights an afternoon or two and she did as much as possible. She’d know something was wrong because she’d hug, kiss me, and even try to put covers on me while I layer down and watched her run around. Bedtime was another story. She wads off the chain at night. I’d try to be in bed around 10:30-12 which is early for me. She’d jump up and down until 2AM and I couldn’t fall asleep until 4AM. Ugh.

Since thing so were all tied up in court, Cydney’s grandparents have been reaching out more. Asking what my schedule is because they want to say goodnight to Cydney every night. Naw, b. We ain’t that cool and grandparents don’t do that. I think the sentiment is nice, but it’s ignoring the fact that this isn’t cognizant of whatever I may have going on having to stop and do this. Nt to mention I can’t stand Timile’s mother’s shrill voice. It does something to my insides. Hearing it say goodnight to Cydney was making my faces scrunch up. I’m sure that’ll change but as of now it still annoys the seventh layer or Dante’s hell out of me.

With all that’s going on I’ve had little patience this week. That doesn’t mean much to the little ones around here. Every time I’d sit down, someone would be calling me to do something, get something or something. Or day I sat down to eat and as soon as I took my first bite of food, I was called to mediate something. All I do is just dream of a weekend off in the future. Maybe even a four day weekend…I can dream.

The cherry on top: Friday night. Cydney and I were watching the Nets and Heat game on TV. We sat at her little table and ate Chinese leftovers. For dessert we had ice cream and cookie sandwiches. Good times. I bought her a strawberry milk from a bodega eater in the day. I gave it to hertz go with her desert so she could continue to have a great night. My mother and nephew came home, she went upstairs with them…so I thought. They thought she came back downstairs with me. Cydney comes running downstairs to me saying “I’m sorry, I’m sorry! I got strawberry milk on your laptop!”

Not showing how alarmed I really was I went upstairs to look at it. Sure enough there was milk on my laptop. All in the keys. All in the keys and seeped through tho the hard drive. It wads also plugged in and charging. Needless to say it was a wrap. I was done for the night. I wasn’t feeling well already, had a long week, then this happened. Cydney was crying at this point that she was sorry. I had to hold back how much I felt like crying and was just letting my little girl know that it was alright. Sacrificing my feelings for someone else. The story of my life.

Where do I go when things like this happen? For the most part I hold it all in to myself. Most of my friends aren’t parents yet so they don’t really understand. If I were one of those people who yelled I would have needed to go somewhere and yell. Hell, I could’ve used it that night. Children can be stressful and a good outlet is needed. I don’t really have one. People usually ask me about Cydney but not really ask about me. Life had been hit and miss all week, so my friend wasn’t available at the time either.

It’s a new week…so it’s time to do it all over again.

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