There’s a lot going on right now in my life. I woke up with a heavy heart and a lot that I would like to express to a couple of people in my life but I just can’t seem to find the time to do so. I have been a little under the weather the last couple of days or so and I am almost certain that most of that is stress. It’s that feeling of you’re feeling so much that it makes you feel numb.
The last time I felt this way was five years ago. Things had been seeming like they were alright with Timile and I November 2008. We’d been together for almost two years and in spite of our ups and downs we had each other. So I thought.
After going home for Thanksgiving weekend I was at Hartsfield-Jackson Airport to pick Timile up. I left my job at Walgreens for a position as a mortgage loan officer and the job literally went bankrupt the day before I started. Just when I thought I’d be getting somewhere and having my first “real” job I was shit outta luck. I didn’t have the money to get my car cleaned and because a window of mine was broken leaves had fallen all in the backseat. I picked Timile up with a smile on my face and she looked annoyed. She looked in the backseat of the car and was silent.
When we got home almost out of nowhere she said that she was tired. She was tired of things being the same, me being lazy (which was not the case), and that I could have had the decency to clean out the back of my car. Then she said she was done. In three weeks she would be moving back to Virginia. I asked her why and she gave me a laundry list of reasons. I knew something was up.
On what was our two year anniversary she said in the car “You know how you said that a woman’s eye won’t wander if you’re not on top of your game, right?” I responded with a yes and that’s when she told me about Fred. Fred was the “what if” guy in high school. He’d come by for Thanksgiving dressed the part and looking like everything that her family would find acceptable (No tattoos, long hair, and since it was 2008 baggy clothes were still in). Crushed.
I tried everything I could to convince her to stay but that didn’t work. She slowly packed up her things and moved them into her cousin’s apartment. By December 17th, she was gone (Ironically three years later that would be the day of her funeral and burial)…
We’d been in contact throughout that time. It was almost always an argument. No matter what I said I got a defensive answer back and everything was my fault. She told me at one time that Fred was her boyfriend, what we had was over, and I just had to deal with it. Getting completely angry and tired of hearing this shit internally I said “fuck it” and told her I’d started talking to someone else too. She got mad, started cursing me out, and crying on the phone. I was the villain for moving on when she’d done it first. It actually wasn’t true but I wanted her to feel how I’d been feeling and let her know she can’t get mad at me because of this.
That time was hard. I was in Atlanta broke and doing everything I could to make ends meet. My friend Kofi would take me to go and get pizza pretty regularly because I didn’t have the money.
Not thinking that it was over between Timile and I, I started working. She had to come back mid-January to get her car and I took the initiative to get things together for her. I’d secured two job interviews and an apartment of her own. I just knew she needed to be back. It paid off and she said that she would be moving back March 1.
That month and a half was hell. I couldn’t take being the bad guy anymore and the cause of all of her problems. I was numb. All of the work I’d put in over those two years and even during that time I couldn’t do it anymore. I had decided that the last week of February I wasn’t going to talk to her anymore. When she got her own place I wouldn’t be visiting and she could have her life with her new boyfriend.
I was prepared for things to be over. I had let it go. I vented in the car to Kofi all the way to the airport and said everything I wanted to say and he listened. I was ready to not have much to say the whole ride back to Atlanta.
When I got to the airport in Virginia I was greeted with a smile. Still feeling numb I didn’t really smile back because I was keeping my guard up. She asked me why hadn’t she heard from me and I said that I was done. I couldn’t take any of that anymore. I needed a break. Eventually she apologized and told me that the time in Virginia was stressful for her and I was who she took the anger out on. Within a couple of weeks we were back together and different kinds of shit storms blew our way.
Feeling how I do reminds me of that time because I remember what it was like. The nights by myself angry, hurt, and heartbroken. No matter how hard I tried to show that I was there and if this is the life that she wanted to live then fine I’ll just be a good friend. Being a good friend didn’t matter even if the advice I was giving was sound and logical. Catch 22. The last couple of days I’ve been thinking about those nights a lot. How I tried to keep myself busy not thinking about what was really weighing me down.
For the most part I only get numb when I keep trying to no avail. It’s as if I know what’s the right thing to do and everything in me tells me to keep going but externally everything is an obstacle. When I’m not understood I get numb as well. I hate having to explain myself because what I say is what I mean. There is not reading between the lines. If I’m mad I’ll let it be known. If I’m hurt I will as well.
I’m the kind of person who gives willingly until I have nothing left to offer for those I love. I felt like I’d done all of that for Timile and it meant nothing. She was cold and coming off like she didn’t gave an iota of a fuck about me. Eventually I shut down. When I shut down its incredibly difficult for me to turn around. With many different things going on around me I’m feeling pretty close to shutting down right about now and I don’t want to do that. Tomorrow’s another day and maybe I’ll feel differently.
By the way, after Cydney was born and she was diagnosed with cancer Timile said to me one day in the hospital “I really want to thank you for not giving up on us when I didn’t believe in it.” Sitting there holding my little girl and hearing her say that was worth it all.