Here I am once again writing on a Sunday. I hardly posted anything on the site this week because I’ve been busy with a myriad of different things. I was also inspired to write something so in the words of Calhoun Tubbs: Like to hear it? Here it go!
So last night while scouring social media outlets I came across two pictures above that friends had posted on Instagram. They resonated with me. Today being February 23, I thought today would be a great day to write about it. For my new readers and followers February 23, 2011 was the day that Timile was diagnosed with cancer–nine days after Cydney was born. I wrote about it last year so I’m not going to delve into detail because I don’t really like to be repetitive. That morning was the ton of bricks that I knew was going to hit so when it did I wasn’t too surprised as much as I was disappointed that what I knew would happened came to fruition.
I bring all of this up in correlation to the two pictures in the context of my story. I am able to write comfortably about the things that I have been through because I have healed from my past. I have plenty of friends in which conversations about exes will come up and they will have to stop themselves mid-story saying that they can’t continue because it will make them mad all over again and in essence conjure up how they felt at the time that adverse circumstances happened. People don’t do this intentionally but it happens.
I’ve dated people who will refer to their past and not give details because even if something traumatic happened to them years ago the thought of it can potentially bring them to tears. Maybe crying it out is a good thing. We all have our own timetables for dealing with things. However you could be missing out on an incredible future by making your past part of your present. So many of us live in the fear of being hurt and can’t bear the possibility of feeling close to that way again. You can’t have success without risk. You can’t know how sweet victory really is without failure or experiencing defeat. People bury themselves in their work, resist opportunity, or won’t stray too far from their comfort zone because of said fear. When doing any of these you are making yourself a slave to something or someone that ultimately doesn’t give a shit about and/or isn’t thinking twice about you. So why should we?
As the latter of the two pictures says “Dwell on the past and that’s where you’ll live.” It’s very true. I think about my daughter learning to walk, run, then eventually jump around everywhere. She would fall over and over again. But she’d keep trying. Even now she’ll try to jump from couch to couch with very little regard to the fact that she fell before. The thing about children is they are not afraid to fail. If they do they kind of forget about it because trying again and achieving their goal is what is most important. Once they have met that goal successfully their imagination opens up doors. Cydney knows that she is just running and jumping around but in her mind she thinks that she can fly. She keeps trying to test that limit because she really believes it. Even if she actually never levitates that brief moment in the air makes her think that she can. She didn’t get there until she fell a few times first.
In the realm of relationships I made an effort to find peace. I didn’t then and I don’t know now who I will meet that may have an impact on my life. Because of this it was in my best interest to force myself into accepting the cards I was dealt and continuing to be objective. It wouldn’t be fair to someone if God had placed someone in my life and I was wary because of what I’d been through. Yes I may have a moment or two of PTSD from them but even that is highly unlikely.
It’s okay to be broken. Many times we feel that way. The God I serve brings along people in our lives for restoration for those times. When I met Timile she was smiling on the outside but in shambles inside. Severe depression, high anxiety because of abusive relationships and a not so great family structure. I didn’t know that at first, but once I did It was all about doing what I could to make her past not matter anymore. At first yesterday was all that she’d talk about. Eventually she wouldn’t utter a word about it at all. One of the things that was amazing about her was that even when we began dating and deep down this was the state that she was in it didn’t stop her from trying. I was the one who was hesitant. Had I continued to do so where would I be?