I read this article on The Minority Eye a few weeks ago. I meant to write something about it a few weeks ago and forgot. I just finished writing a post about parenting and dating and it reminded me to share my thoughts.
This article written by John T Molloy is based on a book that he wrote with the same title in which he and his researchers interviewed over 3,000 people. He covered everything from the basic guidelines to get married, how to maximize your likeliness of getting married, who gets married, the stages in a relationship, and a myriad of other things along the way. I found it to be an interesting read. While statistics mean nothing to the individual, it was something else to see what was concluded to be the consensus.
What I wanted to touch on was the last part of the article: Divorced Men, Widowers, and Single Fathers. He gave six points based on his research and I’d like to opine based on my experience being two out of the three in this title.
1) Young widowers without children are the most marriageable men on earth-I could see this being true. If you’ve lost who you thought was to be the love of your life and you have no children you are probably more than willing to try again. Sometimes I feel this way. Still in my twenties I may be a little more cynical than most; but there is a side to me that is still idealistic which is synonymous with youth.
2) Single fathers with young children have little or no energy for a social life- Fact. Fact. Fact! I have a three year old who drains most of my energy. I don’t have time to waste, for playing around, or the time to just be kicking it. For the most part my friends know that they’re gonna see me on birthdays and special occasions. More than likely Cydney will be in tow and everyone knows that she is part of the crew. If I am seeing someone or I am in a relationship that once a month that I get to go out sans Cydney goes to them. I was out one night at a friend’s birthday party and their sister asked me “Where do you hang out?” My response was “I’m a single parent. I don’t hang out.” I understand that to most people who do not have children this is not part of their reality. Most people they know can hang out and/or do whatever. If you’re seeing someone who is a single parent mother or father you have to understand that they do not have the time you do. If you think you are busy then trust me their off days body your busiest in time, energy, and stress. I have very little tolerance for non parents who think otherwise (If I like you I may reconsider and put you on the learning curve).
3) Most widowers are not ready for a relationship until 2 years after their wife passed away- Accurate. I was ready to date again pretty quickly. I wasn’t really looking for a relationship, though. I just wanted to hang out, enjoy the company, and at the time just be a 26 year old. I didn’t really consider a real relationship until close to two years after Timile passed away. I’d been hanging around with someone for about seven or eight months by then so after lots of time I was willing to consider it. With that person or anyone else I would have done so earlier if the right person where to have come along. You never know who will come into your life so I recommend just keeping your mind and heart open.
4) Men whose wives died of lingering or painful illnesses are less likely to remarry- I could see this. Timile died from cancer. I know that if I were to marry that one of us is going to die first. I don’t want to have to go through that pain again of losing someone I loved as much as I did Timile. I was young when it happened and maybe some decades down the road I’ll feel differently. However, the law of average says that we’re gonna die from old age and natural causes really means that you’re gonna slowly break down and die. I’m sure that even are seventy or eighty [or ninety?]-something I’m going to have flashbacks of seeing Timile go through this. I did when my mother was going through cancer treatments and one of the hardest days within the last two years was sitting with her while she received chemotherapy.
5) The more amicable a man’s divorce, the more likely he is to remarry- This sounds reasonable to me as well. It is highly likely that one could have gone through a reasonable divorce one will not be so jaded and find peace that things didn’t work out. Peace is everything. Making amends with things gone awry changes the likeliness for anyone to try virtually anything again.
6) The younger a man is, the more likely he is to remarry- Agreed. I’m 28. I still feel like I have my whole life ahead of me. I’m handsome. I have a great little girl. And most people my age are not married yet so I can be as choosy as I want to be. For the most part I have a strict “No single moms” policy. The older I get that’ll change. Also, the older I get the more used to being on my own I will be. My daughter will be older and have more of an opinion as well. One of the last conversations I had with my grandmother while watching “My Girl”-the movie about a widowed father, his daughter, and finding love again-was that she said she hopes that I marry someone while Cydney is young so that she will not remember these times. She’ll only know that whoever her stepmother is was the woman that was always around. The older we get the more in our routines we will be. Not to mention if one were to spend decades with someone and they were to pass away I could see how the pain of losing someone could make it hard to want to try again.
So there are my thoughts. If you agree let me know. If not, let me know. I’d love to hear your thoughts and possibly share them in another post.