Being A Flawed Individual

This week was a very rough week for me.  I knew that a mental breakdown was brewing for some time and I have been actively been seeking avenues to remedy this before it got too hectic.  Friday night I almost got close again.  Cydney cried until she was horse, went to sleep, and woke up two hours later.  The sound of her voice going sore, my head and heart both pulsating to the point of pain I yelled “What! What! Cydney WHAAAAT?!”  She got quiet for a couple of minutes and then began to cry some more.  This time telling me that she’s sorry.  That made me really feel like shit.  By then I was awake and restless.

So at 3 AM I wrote a long series of text messages to a three of my friends; two of them single mothers who I know have been there and the main people I go to when I’m upset about all that is going on in my life.  It was a moment of reaching out at a time when I’d felt the most vulnerable.  A lot of weight has been on my shoulders recently and after four years of just continuously going I’d reached my brink.  Upset about these years, frustrated with trying to find work, problems at home, not seeing eye to eye with my girl on a myriad of things I just had to write out my thoughts and feelings for myself to see and I sent it so that they could as well.  After I wrote it I turned my phone off because it felt like the only thing I could control at the time.  Control is something I’m big on so doing just that was big.

The next afternoon I finally turned my phone back on.  My single mom friends had sent me texts back asking me if I was alright and what were my thoughts that morning.  The other friend had left a voicemail saying they’d try again later, called a couple more times, and then sent me a text letting me know that they were checking up on me (I’m laughing as I write this because I could hear the tone behind the text).  I responded back to them respectively letting them know that I would be alright.  Immediately I called my friend Kia who was one of them that I’d reached out to the night before.

Kia and I talked for nearly six hours.  About everything.  We talked about our lives, our current “situationships,” and after hearing each other out were able to give needed perspectives.  We spoke again Sunday for a good hour or two as well.  What I took away from a lot of this was that [as I wrote about last week] while I am very stoic when I am comfortable I am okay with showing that I am in fact flawed.  One of the things about being a strong and nonchalant individual is that things either come off like they don’t affect me at all.  People will continue to take from you or associate you as this kind of individual.  I have seen in relationships that being this way gives off the impression that when I do in fact show some kind of emotion that it is intense.  I probably am not mad at all; but I am aware that this is the vibe that I give off.  I’d been seeing someone for a while and they would often joke that I am mean, but what they really wanted from me was to show that I was excited to see them and to be around them.  When I would actually say something it would seem like a rousing profession of love or something but it was me just trying to give them a peek into that I am in fact not devoid of emotions.  They could see me show my daughter all kinds of love, joke, and smiles but when it is just her and I or when she would talk to me I came off uncomfortably reserved.  Definitely not a good thing.

In said relationship I wanted to show that person that I felt in fact very deeply for them.  Kia had facilitated a process in which I came to the realization that by the time I was able to actually show them which was in a time of need I’m  hurting it was a lot for them to handle.  In their mind and heart they wanted to be there but they couldn’t.  In retrospect that was a good thing.  I am able to take this into the next thing that comes along.

I also learned through her experiences that I am at the point where I am ready and willing to share more than I do.  People like to know that we all have things that irk us.  We all have questions that we’d like to have answered and many times we have to read beyond our own thoughts and wants to be there for those that we care about’s needs all while balancing our own.  When trust builds over time eventually you can rely solely on your partner to take care of your needs and vice versa.  When its done right, the trust builds the dependency; not your insecurities or what have you.  In my case I think or I know that slowly showing I have fears and things that I get upset about can actually help a relationship.  Even in doing so I can learn to follow someone else’s lead and they can do the same for me.  This isn’t just in the context of romantic relationships, either; but with all friends.  My friend Kia showing me that she is a flawed individual made me comfortable with doing the same to her and others as well.

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