Honest Thoughts About My Past

I pride myself in being an honest person. If I’m asked a question I will answer objectively. I call shots the way I see them and the process in how I come to conclusions means I’m usually right. Most people appreciate what I write because of this.

I’m going to be real: I don’t miss Timile. That may sound harsh but a long time ago I accepted that she’s gone and have moved on. At this point I am used to her not being around. I think what makes this easy for me is that Cydney is young and has no active memories of her. I can talk about her or any hurt that may be associated with her casually and candidly because there are no unanswered questions. No what ifs, nothing I’ve ever wish that I could have said to her, or regrets. When I look at pictures of her or hear stories I can smile but that feels like a lifetime ago. I hardly know who the kid with dreads is in them anymore. I have scars and they’ve healed; but they’re more or less because of what I have been through… Vietnam flashbacks.

The other night I was on Facebook. I saw a picture and it made me laugh out loud. It was the first time I wanted to tell Timile something that I couldn’t. It was about a friend of hers and I wanted to say “I knew it!”

It was a fleeing moment that provoked other thoughts. Nothing sad or taking any trips down memory lane, or anything. I had begun to ponder of there is anything else I would have wanted to tell her. I couldn’t think of one thing.

When I think about who we were it wasn’t bound to work out. We were very different. We didn’t have much in common. Our time together was a learning experience for me to learn, grow, hands on experience in loving unconditionally, and preparation for whoever God did make just for me. Our relationship required so much sacrifice of self. I couldn’t be my unfiltered self around her. I had to pretend or ignore likes and interests of mine. I say all of this in hindsight because from 2006-2011 I was happy.

I looked at a few pictures of Timile that night. I see a girl in her early twenties. She’s a kid (for the record: I look at most people in their twenties as kids) and she looks incredibly young. That’s where her story ends: twenty-five. I have a little over a year; but I’ll be turning thirty in 2015. I am 100% sure that the person that I am now would not be compatible with her. Truth be told, there are people I have dated in the last three years who were a better fit when Timile and I were together. That’s why our paths didn’t cross then.

I think whoever I’m going to marry is someone I already know. We may be friends, acquaintances, or something in between. Like I said, I’m just calling shots how I see them. They may or may not have known Timile personally. But on my end, it’s not the elephant in the room.

Right after Timile passed away I cut my locs, lost 75lbs, and literally became someone else. The person I was with her and who I am have some things in common, but not much other than history and experience. I am more concerned about my future than I am my past. This is probably the real reason I can’t say I miss her.

I say this to say to anyone who has had extreme circumstances and pain to understand that it’s up to you in how you let your past define you. If it still affects your present, do something about it. Today’s a new day.

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