My Life in 100 Songs: Love U 4 Life by Jodeci

A few nights ago, after tucking Cydney into bed, she looked at me, and said she wanted to have “girl-boy talk.” “I want to talk about Timile and _____.” She then let me know what she is looking for which essentially is for me to get married. The conversation ended with her laying on my chest, looking me square in the eye, and asking me “What’s your wedding going to be like?”

It’s funny to me she asked this. About two weeks prior, I had a dream about getting married. I have never envisioned myself marrying anyone before–even Timile as crazy as that sounds. Maybe a flash here and there; but ultimately I have always put more stock in who I would for someone after the wedding.

The bride was my best friend’s wife, Toni; but there’s a reason it was her. The primary reason was because the day before I was telling someone about the day that Cydney gets married I’m going to be shedding thug tears down the aisle as Toni and her dad did.

The second-and most important reason-was because of what my friend Devin and Toni’s wedding represented. After years of drama our friends and family were celebrating and saying “Finally, Chad and _____ got their shit together and did this!” The bride and my friends who only know each other from our horror stories finally met and it was as if everyone knew each other for years. My friends have told me that whenever I do get married everyone’s getting drunk and the toasts will consist of many jokes saying my partnership was everyone’s relationship because they had invested so much time and energy into it. I could totally see that.

The day I exchange vows in front of friends and family will be a big deal for Cydney as well. By the time that actually happens, she will be old enough to remember that day. She wants a mother so badly that it will mean her dream will have come true. Little girls picture this day their whole lives and I can see Cydney’s vision starting off with “I want my wedding to be like my mom and dad’s.”

Dreams about weddings often symbolize a going through a transition and commitment. I’m definitely a commitment-phobe because I don’t trust anyone. I have spent my whole twenties taking care of others. The idea of placing myself in a position in which someone is taking care of me weirds me out a little bit. However, I am quite burned out and realizing this has made me think that making myself available to be emotionally taken care of and not-so-self-sufficient would be a good thing. Realization is often the beginning of transition.

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