It’s been about a year since the last time I last spoke to you. If I’m correct, last December 9th was the first time I have actually had a conversation with you since November 2011. As you are very well aware of, articulating matters of the heart is not my forte. The best way to say what is actually on my mind and how I feel is to write. So here it goes…
I think about you every day. It’s hard to not do so looking at our little girl. My ego will not allow me to say that she looks just like you because I see me, so HA! All jokes aside, Cydney is a beautiful girl. While she does resemble me; people often say she looks just like her mom. I’m okay with that.
In the past few months, Cydney has felt a lot closer to you. She doesn’t know you but she misses you dearly. She knows there’s something missing in her life and wants you. She asks and talks about you all of the time. Cyd doesn’t really understand; but she’s trying to figure it out the best way that a four year old can. Sometimes-many times-that’s very hard to watch. However, we were both built to be able to handle this. She truly is something wonderful.
I wish you were here to actually see Cydney growing up. I look at the journey that the two of us have been on and I am constantly marveled by how quickly she is growing up. Our daughter was tiny when we met her. When you passed, she was less than a week from turning nine months old and was just beginning to get the hang of crawling. Now she plays soccer, is very articulate, outgoing, funny, stubborn (she definitely got that from you), opinionated, and so much more. You would be very tickled by the little things that come out of her. She has a mouth on her…the biggest resemblance she has of both of us.
I’m alright. I don’t really know how to say much more than that as far as I go. I have learned a lot about myself in the last four years. I have been asking myself what was the purpose of us crossing paths. First, you taught me how to love. You were the first person who looked past the surface and call bullshit. You saw me for who I really was past the nonchalant and guarded demeanor. You knew that more than anything else, I always felt misunderstood. And even in our most heated of moments, you always sought to try to comprehend and that means the world to me. You had all of the patience in the world with me when I would ramble how I felt trying to get to my point. I didn’t feel as if you always accepted me for who I was; but for the most part you did. This is something that I have tried to practice in all of my relationships since. In our time together, I learned that love isn’t a feeling: it’s an action. It’s something you practice and will always fall short of. I learned that love is a religion in which you find solace in doing your best.
We met for me to become a writer. While I have spent almost all of my life penning song lyrics, I never felt as if I was actually a writer. I watched how you worded things and felt like somehow, this was something that I had inside of me. I just didn’t have anything to write about. Your last five years on earth and the four years after gave me just that. Something that has began as me just letting our friends see Cydney grow up turned into a career. It has helped other people and I know that in itself is something that you would be proud of. I knew that I had one and wasn’t quite sure what it was; writing has given me purpose.
Looking back I’m happy that things have played out the way that they did. You’ll always be my first real love. As I grow older, I won’t have to think to myself “I wonder.” You will always be the youthful girl in her early twenties to me. You lose trying to question or fight God’s plan and who am I to second guess how He mapped things out.
There’s one last thing I feel that I need to address…
A few months ago, Cydney told me that you were on the moon. On the moon you had a boyfriend. Then she said “My mommy has a husband.” I asked her out of curiosity what did she mean by that. She then tried to play things down and said “No, no, no! He’s just a friend!” You got something you wanna tell me about? It’s fair. We both have to move on. We’ll always have something special…there’s just more for both of us.
I thank you for everything. I appreciate you. I love you.