I have been sent the link and asked repeatedly if I have seen the post entitled “This Twitter Thread Explains Why Dating Can Be So Frustrating In 2016.” Having read it, I ask what do they-the person who sent it-think. The response from just about everyone is that it is very accurate. I agree.
Five years back into dating, I have more than my fair share of entertainingly dramatic stories to tell. It is fairly difficult to navigate through those proverbial waters. In an effort to relate to a friend and their circumstances, I gave the simile dating is like a war zone in which all is fair in which once you are trained in looking down for mines, you get attacked from the air. It’s become a game in which everyone is playing by rules they made up and wonder why they lose.
Here’s a synopsis of the thread. Kiran bka @NonProphet_ gives a breakdown of meeting the right guy who seems to have a lot going for him. The vibe is right and the two have chemistry. He sells the dream of wanting a relationship and that opens the young lady up. Feelings begin to develop and then all of a sudden, he’s not as attentive as he once was. The girl continues to reach out and there’s little to no response and the hurt begins to sink in. Out of nowhere, he contacts the lady explaining his departure, to virtually dating into obscurity and out of nowhere…the breakup comes. All of this leaves the feeling of wasted time and a wariness to try again and of course, it does.
It is then explained what happened in the man’s mind. His intention was never to break the lady-or anyone’s-heart. The things that were said were genuine and how they actually felt in the moment. They did want the lady to be the one. However, the “what if she isn’t the one” thoughts start. Those thoughts become doubts that become reality. Before getting too wrapped up, he feels like things need to slow down. Then the pressure kicks in and everything is ultimately shot to, well you know. The thread is ended with something so simple, yet to difficult for most to grasp because it takes experience to know this: love is a decision.
“Falling” in love is a myth. Before we were officially an item, my daughter’s mother was the first person to tell me that love was a decision. That was one of our first heated discussions because I didn’t believe her. I was twenty-one years old and my outlook on love was that of inexperience. She truly wasn’t meant to be on earth long. At twenty, she understood something that others spend their whole lives just trying to figure out…and she was putting me up on game. While we were having the first of many philosophical debates, deep down, I wasn’t sold on her. She was gorgeous; but that’s not everything so I had doubts because on the surface, we were very different. One day, I just said to myself “eff it,” and while she’s no longer here with us, I don’t regret that decision at all. I made a choice to love her and even when we had falling outs and breakups, I continued to stick with that decision.
I agreed with everything the young man said. There was one piece that was and is always missing: accountability. People aren’t emotionally mature because once again, that takes experience. I say it all of the time that we attract who we currently are. If the person isn’t quite ready-for whatever the reason-to make a decision and commit, and this keeps happening; what does that say about you? Mature love comes with an obscene amount of concession. The inexperienced are often more concerned about looking to be loved instead of looking to love.
The laws of attraction are real. What you find to be appeasing to your ego is what will find you time and time again. Where’s the best place to hide if someone is looking up in the air? Right under their nose is the answer. What first attracted us to the ones that we ultimately date are the things that they have in common with us. Deep down we are all a little narcissistic who like what we like and have similar values. As time progresses and people are a little more relaxed, they are themselves and we are more willing to accept them for who we are because we already have feelings.
We are the culmination of our life experiences. Often, the man or woman who has doubts and leaves the other they were dating vulnerable is scared. They were once heartbroken and that crippling feeling of self-doubt forces a wall to go up almost immediately after they have made themselves vulnerable. As opposed to going through that dreadful feeling again, they fabricate untrue feelings until they become a reality. The person who ultimately was lead on typically has a tainted image of self-worth. Eventually, everyone self-sabotages based on their insecurities and once again, everything is shot to you know where. Spoiler alert: no one will hurt your feelings, disappoint you, and break your heart like your spouse…just needed to throw that out there because dating is the easy part.
I was once having a conversation with an ex of mine long after things between us ended. I told her that I had come to a realization that I need to not be so cynical. My bleak outlook on people causes me to have very low to no expectations and unconsciously, I can be pushing those that I love into acting in a manner that supports my cynicism. It was also an admission of my role in where things went wrong between us. In other ways, she had done the same to me. This is part of what and why the universe brought us together in the first place.
I say all of this to say that when dating goes wrong, we often replay over and over what the person did to us and that plays a major role in why we keep going through the same things repeatedly. The answers to all questions almost always can be found within us.
You can read the full thread here.